Day 22 - Today's picture is of an oak tree that was planted by my mom about seventeen years ago. It is in front of our home and I love this tree. An oak tree holds onto it's leaves long after the leaves have died. Mom always told me that the oak tree is the best predictor of when winter is finally over because it will lose the leaves then and only then.
This oak tree was planted as a seedling, only standing about five foot tall at the time. Mom lectured Todd and I on the do's and don'ts of taking care of it. Todd always gave her a hard time about trimming the bottom branches so he could mow under this tree and she would always tell him that it wasn't old enough to do that. Finally a couple of years after mom passed Todd decided to trim the bottom branches off of the tree, I think Mom would be pleased.
The wood of an oak tree is solid and strong. As I look at this oak tree, I see in it what I usually try to be. In the past weeks I have stayed somewhat strong throughout the loss of my dad. When we were told that there was nothing that could be done to save him and that he would be gone in a short time my strength swayed, like this tree on a windy day. I pulled it together so that I could try to be as supportive as possible to others around me. I found funny stories and memories of Dad important as a way of dealing with it all, because that is how I deal. I cling to my memories and any memento of my dad that I can get my hands on, kind of like the oak hangs onto its leaves. I know I had to say goodbye for now, like the leaves in the spring, but I also know that like this tree, I will see new growth as life moves on. I will always miss my dad, and my mom who has been gone for five and a half years now, but I also know that my family needs me to be strong so we can build more memories together for them to someday hold on to.
I realized a few things this weekend, when I finally took some time to be alone with my thoughts and grief. I realized that in the midst of trying to be strong I really wasn't there for my kids, I didn't really grieve in front of them so I don't think they felt that they were able to grieve in front of me, I regret that. When I called them to let them know how bad things were, it was a pretty quick, it is what it is type of call. I didn't want to show any more emotion than I had to so I kept it short and to the point, I regret that, they deserved more. At Dad's funeral when my grandson was crying, I was afraid to break so I didn't hug him like I should have, I regret that, I should have been there for him. I wanted to say a few words at Dad's funeral, so I did. I told the others that I had to speak first, knowing that if I didn't I wouldn't be able to make it through without breaking down. I realize now that it wasn't fair to the others to have to go after me, they had to deal with what I wasn't ready to deal with. I hope that others around me somehow know how much I care and how much I appreciate them because, except for my written words, it is hard for me to express these feelings.
As I look at that mighty oak, I realize that it is strong, but it is still susceptible to disease, to damage from really strong winds or insects, I also realize that although on the outside I am strong, I have a lot of room to work on that on the inside, because in so many ways I am anything but strong. I have my faith that my parents are in a better place. I have to believe that we will again be joined together, without this faith there would be no strength, I would have snapped like a twig.
In the future, it is my goal to never take those around me for granted. Also I am going to try more to show some emotion from time to time, not bury it like I have a lot of things in my past. I want to try to be more supportive of those around me, even when it means showing less strength and more emotion. Love those around you, and appreciate them. Always remember that we are all battling something, so many times it is something that no one else is even aware of.
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